Santa - Important Information Within!

[Collie]

It's that time of year again people, when Santa is making preparations for delivering presents to all the boys & girls in the world.  The thing is, and I don't want to shatter anyone's perceptions about this fantastic 'do-gooder', but I'm not convinced he's real.  No, I do believe there is a Santa, just he isn't what he appears to be.  In actual fact, I'm all but convinced that Santa is actually working on behalf of some Government agency and using the Chimneys (and magic keys for houses where Santa Entrance/Exit shoots aren't standard) to gather information about the occupants household, and then sending that data through the radio transmitter attached to Rudolph's nose (what you really think that big red nose is real? You're even stupider than you look).   He then eats your food, even if you didn't leave him any (the thief!) and plants listening devices in toys and leaves them for the kiddies to play with, oblivious that their Action Man is a currently sending Daddy's credit card number via a Super high-tec crime network.

On a hunch, I reckon the Russians could be Santa's real employer.  They have experience in espionage and despite appearing to be a now run down state, they probably could still teach the rest of the world a thing or two about the spy game.  

So, with that in mind, I am setting up 'Santa Traps' in my house to stop the bastard before his evil scheme reaches as far as the Chimneys of Outer Mongolia.  'Santa Traps' can be bought from the Dogzbollocks Shop for a modest fee of £500.  Each kit contains trip wire, a bell, and an empty bucket (to be filled with a substance of your choice.) Everything you need to stop a master spy is contained in that wonderful invention of modern times, so please, for the love of children and their parents everywhere, buy a Santa Trap today and SAVE THE WORLD!

Please note, product contains small parts and should not be used by a 3 year old, furthermore, actual contains may vary from kit to kit, depending on the availability of stock that we can half inch and bung in the back of a mate's transit before the night watchman catches us and sends for the police.  It is also company policy not to offer guarantees or refunds.  Also note: We cannot be held responsible for any death threats, mail bombs, shotgun blasts through the window or other violent acts against you or your family as of a result for capturing an infamous government spy.  Thanks.

[Mike]

There are approximately 2 billion children (persons under eighteen) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 37 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say, that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household. A total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh to another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillin jules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thosands of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must of consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Chrimble.