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Post by TheAlex on Jul 27, 2003 21:17:45 GMT
Hey Collie, I is back (with a little help from my friend above) with more fantastical uses for Jimmy Hill Giant ChinsTM.
Number 39:
Just can't catch those pancakes on Pancake Day? Well have no worry about tossing anymore!
Flip that pancake and catch it in your Jimmy Hill Giant ChinTM with ease!
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Post by TheAlex on Jul 28, 2003 21:53:45 GMT
Well....they say life starts at 40...so here is the start of Jimmy Hill Giant ChinsTM...
NUMBER 40:
Are you a DJ with only one arm? Or do you have so many discs to spin? Would you prefer to use your arms for other useful things like shaking hands and signing autographs with all those adorable fans? Do you need a finger free to pick your nose or scratch your bum? Answered 'yes' or 'YES!' to any of those questions? Well read on!
Use the specially designed Jimmy Hill Mixer ChinTM for all your disc-spinning and scratching needs!
The smallprint: Jimmy Hill Giant Chin Corp. is not held responsible for scratches to records during operation of the Jimmy Hill Mixer ChinTM (growth of facial hair could accelerate this problem). Jimmy Hill Giant Chin Corp. is not held responsible for the poking out of adulating fans eyeballs or other subsequent bruising due to over enthusiastic use of the Jimmy Hill Mixer ChinTM. All rights reserved. Not available in shops.
A giant chin a day keeps the doctors' in business.
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Post by Collie on Jul 29, 2003 14:44:35 GMT
Good good.
I just wish we could hurry up and reach 101 uses so I can close this Jimmy Hill's Chin forum. It was only ever supposed to be a quick and pointless gag. It's gone on as long as Jimmy's chin itself. Which is long. About the length of Blackpool's beach at the last measuring.
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Post by TheAlex on Jul 30, 2003 0:27:18 GMT
That's a shame, what will What Chin Monthly magazine have left to feature? You should be showing support for great chins, not dumping it just because chins are becoming the new árse. I hope you archive the messages for generations to come.
41. Soap holder 42. Humorous substitute for your own chin 43. A new setting for "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" - we could actually feature real celebrities, I'm sure a week in a Jimmy Hill Giant ChinTM would be much more appealing than spending a week in Australia. 44. Smallchilds' play area 45. A new observatory location for Patrick Moore. With optional xylophone.
P.S. just a thought, but don't you think Jimmy Hill would make a good rugby player?
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Post by Collie on Jul 30, 2003 2:54:24 GMT
Number 46: Country Sized Sun Shade.
Number 47: Bird Perch
PS - Possibly, although he's probably a bit past it now. Perhaps in his prime when he wasn't campaigning for footballing justice.
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Post by TheAlex on Jul 30, 2003 17:42:27 GMT
Mothers to be...fed up of carrying that kicking baby around for 9 months, or even longer if you're unlucky?
Use a Jimmy Hill Giant ChinTM to take the strain as your smallchild's surrogate mother and have your babe transplanted using the most recently developed technologies stolen from Russia (been wondering where James Bond has been recently, or why his last film was so pants?).
It doesn't stop there either, the Jimmy Hill Giant ChinTM is guaranteed to keep the newborn safe & warm for up to 3 years after birth. There is even place for a small selection of toys. (no Playdo allowed, it provokes an unnatural allergic reaction in the skin formation of the Jimmy Hill Giant ChinTM which may result in your smallchild having greenskin, though we have ensured there is place for a Subbuteo set so the Jimmy Hill Giant ChinTM can relive those golden days he once enjoyed as a footballer)
All this is possible due to the newly-discovered marsupial-type pouch within the Jimmy Hill Giant ChinTM that has remained undiscovered until now. It is not known how long this pouch has been in place, but it is believed it may have been in place since birth, or when the Jimmy Hill Giant ChinTM was deported to Australia 'during the war....'
'this is possibly the most practical use yet, can it house my quintets?' - Margaret Chinwag, What Chin Monthly? magazine editor.
The small print: Potential side-effects: - Your smallchild may be be prone to facial hair at a very early age, whether male or female. - It is as yet unknown, but research involving birds and Giant ChinsTM suggests your smallchild may become unnaturally attracted to chins, therefore developing a new race of chin-fetished beings.
Patent Pending.
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Post by Collie on Jul 31, 2003 19:42:44 GMT
Let it be known that Margaret Chinwag is only the stand-in editor for the What Chin Monthly magazine after the founder and existing editor, Mr. Pinkington, recovers in hospital after foolishly using his chin as a Pogo-stick for his nephew, without adhering to the necessary EU safety regulations. Namely, do not allow the Pogo-ing Chin to be used by relatives over 6 stone.
Fortunately for the hospital bed-bound editor, his chin will be as good as new within three months time, providing the 72 hour chin reconstructive surgeory was successful. Lets hope he didn't have the op on the NHS then.
And now, another fantastic and hi-tech use of a giant chin.
Number 49: Espionage and Spy Tool.
A Giant Chin can be fitted with the latest in affordable home surveillance equipment, including cameras, microphones, tracking devices and more. Simply invite the owner of the Spy Giant Chin around to your house, and have them secretly spy on your cheating spouse. They'll never suspect a thing. Although they may be suspicious of the presence of a stranger with a large chin roaming around their homestead, but that's your problem.
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Post by TheAlex on Aug 27, 2003 18:07:35 GMT
50.
lock-pick for a giant's keyhole
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PurpleMonsta
'The Passing Acquaintance'
Bobo the Monkey loves his robot love slave
Posts: 136
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Post by PurpleMonsta on Sept 2, 2003 13:34:19 GMT
51) A portable helipad.
Uneven terrain? Can't land your helicopter? Just kick Jimmy out of the back with a parachute and then land on his chin.
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Post by WillYou on Oct 25, 2003 23:54:16 GMT
An entirely different person.
"Got a job you're just plain bored of?Get the new Jimmy Hill giant chin to go for you!"
*Warning:may results in loss of job due to the lack of Jimmys control over his huge chin*
*Especially if you work in McDonalds*
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Post by Collie on Dec 8, 2003 17:11:21 GMT
53 - Excellent Flag-pole. Raise your nation's flag in style.
Warning - Attempting to raise a Union Jack or St. George's Cross flag in Britain may result in the extreme-left fascists that run local town councils threatening to hang you if you do not remove the flag as it does not 'represent the multi-cultural society' that Britain is, or some nonsense like that. In that instance, resort to use number 54 of the Giant Chin. Attach explosives to the chin, some gunpowder and a fuse, plant it in the ground somewhere and aim it towards the house of these extreme left-wing fanatics. With the right wind conditions, firing arc and angle and various other factors affecting the final trajectory, the Giant Chin makes for an excellent EXPLOSIVE-ANTI-LEFT-WING-FASCIST-WHO-MAKES-STUPID-AS-HELL-ANTI-BRITISH-LAWS-ROCKET. Let them burn, just like in 'Nam.
[Edited to correct stupid numbering error by yours truly]
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Post by Collie on Dec 15, 2003 21:21:24 GMT
55 - Bubble Gum Dispenser. Fill the chin with sphere shaped gum, insert your money into the chin owner's mouth, twist his nose, and out pops a delicious bubble gum sweet.
56 - (Japanense Variant) Used schoolgirl panties dispenser.
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Post by Collie on Dec 18, 2003 1:49:46 GMT
"I don't believe it," said this chap in a non-Victor Meldrew manner.... "This pointless forum has now been open for an entire year! And we've still not reached the 101st use for a Giant Chin! My, how time flies when you're doing nothing that merits recognition."
The small crowd that had gathered around the speaker nodded their heads in agreement before dispersing elsewhere.
The East-Anglian winter equivalent to tumble-weed rolled by during the solemn silence that followed the exodus.
"Bastards, the lot of them", shouted the disgruntled speaker, "Tis the season of good will and all that bollocks and there's no-one willing to help." And with that the speaker too turned to leave, before stopping and realising that in wasting time writing this nonsense, he'd now thought of more uses for Giant Chins after all.
So here they are, you ungrateful bunch of cretins.....
Use number 57 of a giant chin : Excellent pro Surfing board. Requires less wax than the average pro-surf board.
Use number 58 of a giant chin : Terrorist Leader Secret Hide-hole.
Bin Laden might be hiding in a special bored out giant chin fitted with extraction fans and ambient lighting, even as you read this. Those American troops will never think to search a giant chin which is why Bin Laden has so far evaded detection, whereas Saddam, who used a regular spiderhole, was captured.
Use number 59 of a giant chin : Weapon of Mass Distraction.
A Giant Chin can divert attention away from the real threat of harm, allowing masked raiders to carry out all manner of nasty deeds, such as snatching chocolate father christmas's from little children as the parents look on at the chin unawares.
Use number 60 of a giant chin : Contingency Post-it Note board.
Makes for a fantastic temporary replacement for when your normal message-board is suddenly unavailable for use (ie.. it's been nicked; burnt; covered in smelly gunge etc...)
Use number 61 of a giant chin : Spare Christmas Stocking.
A Giant Chin stores more Christmas gifts than standard stockings, apart from those ridiculously large ones: which are only used by greedy children, and as we all know, greedy children deserve nothing, so can expect to get nothing more than a solitary lump of yuletide coal in their big, fat, empty stocking. And perhaps a tangerine if you're feeling particularly remorseful.
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Post by TheAlex on Dec 31, 2003 0:24:49 GMT
Use no. 62:Optional Cheese Sandwich Holder. and no 63:Slightly late for that bus? The last train home just pulling off? Fear no more with the special limited edition range of Jimmy Hill Go-Go Gadget Chins TM. This new range has a specially contained magnet at the Chin Brim TM. Is your means of transportation just leaving or have you got no arms to hail? Well then - use the Jimmy Hill Go-Go Gadget Chin TM Chin Brim TM to draw that lump of metallic transportation towards you. Warning
- Do not use while on escalators
- Do not use in hospitals
- Do not use near washing machines, gas or electric cookers, microwaves, boilers or large saucepans
- Do not use if you're in daily contact with Robots (especially the space soup kind)
- Do not use near large stacks of tinned beans
- Weight of Chin BrimTM c. 25kg, may cause arching of back*
- Chin BrimTM not tested in retrieving of Jumbo Jets.
And remember, to avoid potential disappointment and over reliance on the Chin BrimTM, not all modes of transport are made of metal.
*After 10 years you may find a fine cutlery collection, some undetonated explosives and some forms of currency have gathered on your chin, possibly causing up to an extra 15 times of weight on your chin. If your back arches to an angle of over 108o your spine will be rendered snapped.
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Post by Collie on Jan 22, 2004 17:56:26 GMT
Tremendous Uses for a Giant Chin Number 64:
Industrial Vac-Forming Mould: You'd be surprised at the number of plastic casings used in industry that are a based on Jimmy Hill's own chin. But not surprised any more, naturally.
Use Number 65 in the increasingly apparent, 'We don't care for your Giant Chin Uses' Giant Chin uses series:
Mobile 'Viewpoint': Imagine having a great vantage point for taking snaps of the many wonders of the world. Now imagine that vantage point could move from one place to another. You'd be in photographers utopia! That's exactly what you'll be in with Jimmy Hill's Mobile Viewpoint Chin. Peckham, Paris, New York - all the great sites for your snaps, and a guaranteed tourist free vantage point every time.
Use Number 66: Bullet-resistant Neck Protector -
It's no secret that a chin is one of the sturdiest and toughest bones in the human body. Indeed, a light round from a small firearm would have it's damage potential dramatically reduced by connecting with a chin as opposed to a less bullet-resistant region of the human body - ie the neck. Many a soldier on the battlefield has lost his life to a shot to the neck because of inadequete protection in that region.
Owners of large and lengthy chins are immediately at a battlefield advantage as their extra length provides increased protection of the neck region, making them ideal candidates for direct frontline assaults whilst the rest of the military cower in their fox-holes and shoot from afar.
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